So good to see family and friends, to laugh, and to reconnect. My husband and daughter are able to relax a bit more – I see it in their released muscles, in their trust. Looking at candies and cakes and shiny red wrapping papers has lifted my spirits, and the smells of pumpkin, cinnamon, cloves, and nutmeg have infused me with some kind of winter-and-food inspired warmth.
Grounding. Here and now.
My strength is near-normal, the physical therapy exercises are working, and morning coffee brings such hope. We’ve gone on a few short hikes and planted some bulbs. I’m returning to work soon, and we’re even making summer plans.
We’re daring to hope this remission lasts awhile. We’re daring to trust in life again.
What else can we/I do, really? Giving up is not an option, and I’m tired of grief.
This last chemotherapy treatment, the 6th out of 6 cycles of Taxotere/Xeloda, has caused fevers, flu-like bone aches, and general misery. I’ve been in and out of bed for days in a haze of napping and trancelike kitchen/bathroom visits. The pain in my bones and shoulder became so bad that the oncology nurse prescribed Norco, a known opioid. I plan to be judicious and careful about its use.
Today is the first day in over a week that I’ve been able to go outside and walk more than a mile anywhere, and just sitting in the sun gave such relief. Looking at the yard, at the tufts of clouds, at the sunlight and tomatoes and lobelia draping over the planter boxes, I couldn’t help but marvel at the gift of health. Of energy returning. Of life.
I’m very fortunate that I did not get HFS, or hand-foot syndrome, a potentially debilitating side-effect that causes deep peeling/cuts in hands and feet. I’m fortunate that neuropathy has never been more than a few short tingles in my toes. But this last treatment knocked me out, and the fevers – which fluctuated between 99 and 101 for about two days – and deep bone pain, and dizziness, and fatigue, were hell. It was worse than the worst flu.
What makes these episodes so difficult is their unpredictability. My fever came on an hour after waking up. After a nap I felt slightly better, until nausea and severe nerve pain knocked me back down. This went on for a few days. But it is precisely this roller coaster of side effects and unknowns that has made it difficult for me to return to work, or to commit to activities, or coffee, or dinners, for any consistent time period. And it’s frustrating, tiresome, and it takes a toll on our whole family.
So, I’m hoping the worst – the chemotherapy nadir – has passed, and that soon white and red and stem cells will begin reproducing quickly again. I’m hoping this treatment has sucker-punched the tumor into oblivion, or at least into operability, and that the word “cure” might be bandied about again. I’m hoping my health will begin its slow crawl back. The odds are smaller this time, but I take my cue from the Yankee Clipper.