On Dying and Hope

“Metastatic” means “terminal.” There is no sugarcoating this. It means that someday, sooner or later, I will die from cancer.

At first there is the shock of this, wave after wave of grief, and then the settling.

Sand and water.

And the full panorama of what is left.

I stand and ask myself What am I seeing? What do I notice? And there is wreckage of course: scars, family worries, fear, a constant checking of accounts, depression, anger, grief. Job loss, a haze of ache-filled and tired days.

And I take those in. They are fallen brick and mortar. Splintered wood. Animal bones.

But soon some bird flies home, calls to kin. I am forced to look up, see a friend calling, a bit of sky.

Water. Sunlight that does not burn. And shade, respite in the form of kindness. There has been so much kindness.

Both coexist here. Both wreckage and love. It is an island of its own, this strange and sad and sometimes beautiful place called “terminal cancer.”