There is Only One Door

We are having to weigh several treatment options, none of which are sure, none of which are pain or suffering-free. None guarantee cure or long life or certainty. All carry risks and further side effects, some debilitating, some permanent.

choices decision doors doorway
Hours or days may go by. 

It is a matter of degree, of where the pendulum stops.

My husband and I talk. I look things up, I contact my doctors, I look at websites, I sit with coffee, we talk some more, and think. Project the future. What ifs? What if this works, this doesn’t? Do we have a window for this now that we won’t later for that? And what if that (treatment) turns out to be unnecessary, a mistake given the later option of this?

My old life is becoming a farther harbor, seen from a boat at night.

city lit up at night
It is/was such a beautiful city. 

My heart goes out to all the other people with this terrible disease, who have to process the litany of grueling options, uncertainties, and unknowns. And it strikes me that much of cancer is in-betweenness: processing information, treatment, physical therapy, medication, relearning movement, resting when the pain comes and goes, appointments – waiting for a resolution that will not come. That may not ever come. Preparing for an uncertainty that can, and will, continue.

I wish you strength and courage.


5 thoughts on “There is Only One Door”

  1. Have you researched Chagall and reishi mushrooms? Interesting to research; no side effects!
    Also, intravenous Vitamin C; no side effects.
    Love and huge hugs to you Johanna!
    Nancy and Gary


  2. Oh, boy. You are right about in-betweeness. Even deciding about moving ahead with chemo was torturous for me although I knew, with my oncotype report coding me as triple negative, I had no sane alternative. I have come to loathe breast cancer. And so I think how much harder for you, facing more toxic options than first-line chemo. So right back to you – I am wishing you strength and courage, too. And peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So sorry for your decission making… We ahould all be making those desions in that harbour town – like which bus to take, what to cook for dinner where to go for the weekend. really those are some kind of lost now, even if we are still making them.. in a haze. So sorry for this reccurence of yours


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