We are having to weigh several treatment options, none of which are sure, none of which are pain or suffering-free. None guarantee cure or long life or certainty. All carry risks and further side effects, some debilitating, some permanent.
It is a matter of degree, of where the pendulum stops.
My husband and I talk. I look things up, I contact my doctors, I look at websites, I sit with coffee, we talk some more, and think. Project the future. What ifs? What if this works, this doesn’t? Do we have a window for this now that we won’t later for that? And what if that (treatment) turns out to be unnecessary, a mistake given the later option of this?
My old life is becoming a farther harbor, seen from a boat at night.
My heart goes out to all the other people with this terrible disease, who have to process the litany of grueling options, uncertainties, and unknowns. And it strikes me that much of cancer is in-betweenness: processing information, treatment, physical therapy, medication, relearning movement, resting when the pain comes and goes, appointments – waiting for a resolution that will not come. That may not ever come. Preparing for an uncertainty that can, and will, continue.
I wish you strength and courage.